- Working a lot. Trying to find clients. Not easy stuff here. Any ideas that doesn't involve print advertising, cold calls or anything that would have to be approved by compliance would be extremely appreciated.
- Griffin is 2. TWO. 2 years old. What the hell happened to the time?
- Griffin is generally in perfect health. 3 feet tall, 28 lbs., smart as a whip, terrible twos are very much in play.
- I say generally perfect health b/c he has another ear infection (green snot coming out of one of his ears! ack!). The ear that is draining has the tube still in place. The other does not and therefore is not draining. 2 weeks with oral antibiotics and antibiotic ear drops for the still-tubed ear and then we see the ENT again. He will probably end up getting a new set of tubes.
- Thanksgiving was good.
- Bryan is finally moving passed the intense grief of losing his dad so suddenly this summer. His dad's ashes were buried at the end of September. Since then B's been able to heal a good bit. I'm slowly getting my sweet hubby back.
- I'm tired. I have bronchitis. And insomnia. The latter may bode well for blog updates, but don't hold me to that.
- Still too fat, but no time or energy to effectively plan meals and work out, so that's not going anywhere.
- Feel like my dream of having another baby is slowly slipping away. We'll see, though. And I'm perfectly content with my Wee Man G, I'd just really like him to have a sibling. I think he would like that too.
- Still searching for direction for the blog. Probably why I don't update often. Anything you all want me to write about?
Monday, November 26, 2012
Quick Update
I just realized that I haven't updated this in almost 4 months. Forgive me. I am not Superwoman. Here's the rundown:
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Waiting and Weighing
It's amazing to me how so much can happen when life stands still. Not activities, but...well, it's hard to explain. If you read my last post, you'll know that there was a week or so that was so full of crap that my head was spinning. All that is done now. There are still a few things going on here and there, but for the most part it's sleep, work, sleep, work, repeat. It's not much so why am I feeling so overwhelmed? .
Waiting
I'm waiting. Always waiting. Waiting for the family to finally pick a date for my father in law's funeral. He was cremated and will be buried in his home town, which we will have to fly to. He died almost a month ago and no date has been set. In fact, only a couple days ago did anyone even call the cemetery to see if there was space for him. Waiting for Bryan to go back to work when school starts again and waiting for him to break out of his funk. I know that will take awhile, but I think work will help some. It will give him something else to do instead of obsessively playing video games and sleeping. Waiting for time to really concentrate on building my business. I'm trying my hardest to make time, but I'm also still functioning as an assistant to an advisor managing about $30 million in assets, so it's a bit busy. Waiting for the code red heat to be over with so I can take Griff outside to play. With his asthma, it's hard to let him go running about out in poor air quality. The last thing I want to do is spark another asthma attack. Waiting for our finances to be in good enough shape to move. Waiting to move to have another baby.
Weighing
No, this is not about my physical weight. There are things that are just weighing down on me. The finances/house is minor in the grand scheme of things, but another baby is not. I've had baby fever since Griff was about 8 months or so old. It's kicking into high gear. I can see the ultrasound screen with that little bean sprout's heartbeat fluttering away. I can imagine wondering "boy? girl?" and looking at Chinese gender prediction calendars and old wives' tales. I can envision snuggling up in bed with Griffin to watch a movie and have some time together since I won't be running around with a cerclage in. And then I'm snapped back to reality. My uterus empty, my heart aching.
Why is this suddenly so acute? Perhaps it's just "time" for my clock to start ticking again. What did I do before when this would happen? I try to remember. I remember years of longing to be a mother - even before Bryan and I met. Long, aching years hoping beyond hope that somehow I would magically become a mother. I dove headlong into relationships back then, not caring so much about my future with that person. Rather I secretly hoped that things would get intimate and I would accidentally get pregnant. Only when I gave up did I actually meet the love of my life. But what did I do after we married? It was hard. We said we wanted to wait until after our 1st anniversary to try. We were flat broke after the wedding and move. When we got home from our honeymoon, we found out our good friends were unexpectedly expecting. I was giddy with excitement for them! They had their baby and she was sweet as could be. I loved holding her and letting her sleep on me. She seemed to enjoy it too. And every time I drove home my heart ached more.
So what exactly did I do to make it through? I worked, sure. I slept, of course. I'm doing both of those things now. What's so different this time? It finally hit me last night. Bryan. Bryan is different this time. Not this whole time, but recently. Bryan is grieving so hard that he is detached from me. He seems to get further and further away with each passing day, and my heart breaks a little more. For him. For me. For us. And so I circle back to waiting. Waiting for the dark cloud to lift from Bryan. Waiting for the day when I lay next to him and feel he is connected to me again. Waiting for our ducks to finally get in their row. Waiting. Always waiting.
Waiting
I'm waiting. Always waiting. Waiting for the family to finally pick a date for my father in law's funeral. He was cremated and will be buried in his home town, which we will have to fly to. He died almost a month ago and no date has been set. In fact, only a couple days ago did anyone even call the cemetery to see if there was space for him. Waiting for Bryan to go back to work when school starts again and waiting for him to break out of his funk. I know that will take awhile, but I think work will help some. It will give him something else to do instead of obsessively playing video games and sleeping. Waiting for time to really concentrate on building my business. I'm trying my hardest to make time, but I'm also still functioning as an assistant to an advisor managing about $30 million in assets, so it's a bit busy. Waiting for the code red heat to be over with so I can take Griff outside to play. With his asthma, it's hard to let him go running about out in poor air quality. The last thing I want to do is spark another asthma attack. Waiting for our finances to be in good enough shape to move. Waiting to move to have another baby.
Weighing
No, this is not about my physical weight. There are things that are just weighing down on me. The finances/house is minor in the grand scheme of things, but another baby is not. I've had baby fever since Griff was about 8 months or so old. It's kicking into high gear. I can see the ultrasound screen with that little bean sprout's heartbeat fluttering away. I can imagine wondering "boy? girl?" and looking at Chinese gender prediction calendars and old wives' tales. I can envision snuggling up in bed with Griffin to watch a movie and have some time together since I won't be running around with a cerclage in. And then I'm snapped back to reality. My uterus empty, my heart aching.
Why is this suddenly so acute? Perhaps it's just "time" for my clock to start ticking again. What did I do before when this would happen? I try to remember. I remember years of longing to be a mother - even before Bryan and I met. Long, aching years hoping beyond hope that somehow I would magically become a mother. I dove headlong into relationships back then, not caring so much about my future with that person. Rather I secretly hoped that things would get intimate and I would accidentally get pregnant. Only when I gave up did I actually meet the love of my life. But what did I do after we married? It was hard. We said we wanted to wait until after our 1st anniversary to try. We were flat broke after the wedding and move. When we got home from our honeymoon, we found out our good friends were unexpectedly expecting. I was giddy with excitement for them! They had their baby and she was sweet as could be. I loved holding her and letting her sleep on me. She seemed to enjoy it too. And every time I drove home my heart ached more.
So what exactly did I do to make it through? I worked, sure. I slept, of course. I'm doing both of those things now. What's so different this time? It finally hit me last night. Bryan. Bryan is different this time. Not this whole time, but recently. Bryan is grieving so hard that he is detached from me. He seems to get further and further away with each passing day, and my heart breaks a little more. For him. For me. For us. And so I circle back to waiting. Waiting for the dark cloud to lift from Bryan. Waiting for the day when I lay next to him and feel he is connected to me again. Waiting for our ducks to finally get in their row. Waiting. Always waiting.
Monday, July 23, 2012
So Many Things...
There is so much going on in my life right now - it's making my head spin! Well, ok, really it's just a few things that acutally happened/need to happen, but the lack of planning on some of it is driving me batty. Let me take you back a few weeks to probably the roughest 8 days I've had in a long, long time.
July 3rd, evening. Bryan was out gaming at his buddy's house. Griffin was sleeping peacefully. I was writhing in pain with back to back gallbladder attacks. Almost went to the ER, but I couldn't get Bryan on the phone (cell phone reception where he was is awful - especially since they are replacing the towers so what little service there was is even spottier), so I couldn't just leave Griffin sleeping. By the time he got home, we both figured it would be over by the time I would be seen in the ER, so I dealt with it for another hour or so and then slept. While I was falling asleep, I noticed my throat hurt.
July 4th, trip to urgent care. I went to the local urgent care place because I was feeling worse and worse, though my gallbladder wasn't too bad. It was annoyingly full feeling, but no pain. My throat was still hurting, I was starting to run a mild fever (up to 100.4) and I just felt sick in general. They ran blood work, urine and a strep test. All came back fine. They gave me an Rx for an ultrasound of the upper abdomen and sent me on my way. By the time I got home, the fever was gone and while my throat still hurt, I didn't feel near as bad. I did take a nice long nap though.
July 5th, ultrasound. Ultrasound comes back positive for gallstones, with the added feature of fatty liver. thanks PCOS. Just want I needed. More crap to deal with. Called and set up appointment with primary care doc.
July 6th. Hands feel all weird and tingly. Later that night, feet feel funny too.
July 7th. Spots on hands, feet and major ones in my mouth & throat. Great. I have hand, foot & mouth disease. Lovely.
July 9th - 12th, test prep class for the Series 7.
July 11th, during class. My cell phone rang and it came up as "blocked caller." I thought that was odd so I answered it since we were on break from class. It was the Sheriff's office. My father in law had been found dead in his apartment. My number was the only one they could find that worked (Bryan's number was written down wrong). I had to call Bryan and tell him. It was horrible. His dad had just turned 65 and died of apparent natural causes.
July 13th, Series 7 exam. Kicked it's ass. The average score is 73% (72% is passing). I got an 85%. I still feel like Hermione Granger.
Since then, we've been working on getting FIL's apartment cleaned out and making arrangements. Well, not really making many arrangements. No one has decided when the funeral will be. FIL was cremated here and will be taken home to Wisconsin where he was born and buried with his mother, who he lost when he was only 19. Tenative plans were discussed. Nothing is set. The weekend they tenatively set is Aug 18th & 19th. I was called for jury duty on the 17th. I don't want to postpone jury duty until I know what is going on, because with my luck I'll reschedule it and they will reschedule the funeral for that weekend. Plus I have to schedule my surgery, someone to watch Griffin the weekend of the funeral, a memorial here for his friends who really want one, finish cleaning out the FIL's apartment and attend both my MIL and step-FIL's 25th anniversary weekend and my mom's retirement dinner (which are happening on the same weekend in different states). All this while working full+ time (full time for my boss while trying to start my own branch of the practice) and being mommy. Is it any wonder I'm exhausted?
Baby fever is running high, but I'm doing my best to supress it because that just can't happen for another year or two. Also, I'm not ready for my Wee Man G to grow up and he seems to be growing at an exponential rate. New words, games, songs, abilities, imagination every single day. Why does life have to move so fast?
July 3rd, evening. Bryan was out gaming at his buddy's house. Griffin was sleeping peacefully. I was writhing in pain with back to back gallbladder attacks. Almost went to the ER, but I couldn't get Bryan on the phone (cell phone reception where he was is awful - especially since they are replacing the towers so what little service there was is even spottier), so I couldn't just leave Griffin sleeping. By the time he got home, we both figured it would be over by the time I would be seen in the ER, so I dealt with it for another hour or so and then slept. While I was falling asleep, I noticed my throat hurt.
July 4th, trip to urgent care. I went to the local urgent care place because I was feeling worse and worse, though my gallbladder wasn't too bad. It was annoyingly full feeling, but no pain. My throat was still hurting, I was starting to run a mild fever (up to 100.4) and I just felt sick in general. They ran blood work, urine and a strep test. All came back fine. They gave me an Rx for an ultrasound of the upper abdomen and sent me on my way. By the time I got home, the fever was gone and while my throat still hurt, I didn't feel near as bad. I did take a nice long nap though.
July 5th, ultrasound. Ultrasound comes back positive for gallstones, with the added feature of fatty liver. thanks PCOS. Just want I needed. More crap to deal with. Called and set up appointment with primary care doc.
July 6th. Hands feel all weird and tingly. Later that night, feet feel funny too.
July 7th. Spots on hands, feet and major ones in my mouth & throat. Great. I have hand, foot & mouth disease. Lovely.
July 9th - 12th, test prep class for the Series 7.
July 11th, during class. My cell phone rang and it came up as "blocked caller." I thought that was odd so I answered it since we were on break from class. It was the Sheriff's office. My father in law had been found dead in his apartment. My number was the only one they could find that worked (Bryan's number was written down wrong). I had to call Bryan and tell him. It was horrible. His dad had just turned 65 and died of apparent natural causes.
July 13th, Series 7 exam. Kicked it's ass. The average score is 73% (72% is passing). I got an 85%. I still feel like Hermione Granger.
Since then, we've been working on getting FIL's apartment cleaned out and making arrangements. Well, not really making many arrangements. No one has decided when the funeral will be. FIL was cremated here and will be taken home to Wisconsin where he was born and buried with his mother, who he lost when he was only 19. Tenative plans were discussed. Nothing is set. The weekend they tenatively set is Aug 18th & 19th. I was called for jury duty on the 17th. I don't want to postpone jury duty until I know what is going on, because with my luck I'll reschedule it and they will reschedule the funeral for that weekend. Plus I have to schedule my surgery, someone to watch Griffin the weekend of the funeral, a memorial here for his friends who really want one, finish cleaning out the FIL's apartment and attend both my MIL and step-FIL's 25th anniversary weekend and my mom's retirement dinner (which are happening on the same weekend in different states). All this while working full+ time (full time for my boss while trying to start my own branch of the practice) and being mommy. Is it any wonder I'm exhausted?
Baby fever is running high, but I'm doing my best to supress it because that just can't happen for another year or two. Also, I'm not ready for my Wee Man G to grow up and he seems to be growing at an exponential rate. New words, games, songs, abilities, imagination every single day. Why does life have to move so fast?
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