The holiday season is upon us as is the old music standards. When I heard "Winter Wonderland" the other day the line "to face unfraid the plans that we made" struck a chord with me. Yes, this season DH and I are facing the new plans - the TTC plans. Unafraid? Well, we're working on that. We're not afraid of having problems getting pregnant again. We know that is possible and that I can grow some damn fine children! The fear is in the potential for another loss; however, we are taking steps to minimize this risk. More on that later, for now I need to finish up my Month of Thanks.
November 27: I'm thankful for a boss who lets me take the day after Thanksgiving off even though the market is open.
November 28: I'm thankful for my mom and brother who can both make me laugh like no one else.
November 29: I'm thankful for pumpkin cookies.
November 30: I'm thankful for an RE who not only puts me at ease, but who also is so compassionate that she shared in my grief.
I'll post again soon with our course of action - and yes, we have started trying again with this cycle!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A Month of Thanks, Part IV
November 21: I'm thankful for birthday parties.
November 22: I'm thankful for the ability to talk about my children without bursting into tears.
November 23: I'm thankful for cannoli.
November 24: I'm thankful for new haircuts that make it so easy to get ready in the morning and actually look age and business appropriate.
November 25: I'm thankful for making it out of the grocery store this evening in one piece, while leaving everyone else in the store in one piece as well.
November 26: I'm thankful that I don't have to clean the apartment or cook today. And of course, I am thankful for my family and all of you, my friends!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
November 22: I'm thankful for the ability to talk about my children without bursting into tears.
November 23: I'm thankful for cannoli.
November 24: I'm thankful for new haircuts that make it so easy to get ready in the morning and actually look age and business appropriate.
November 25: I'm thankful for making it out of the grocery store this evening in one piece, while leaving everyone else in the store in one piece as well.
November 26: I'm thankful that I don't have to clean the apartment or cook today. And of course, I am thankful for my family and all of you, my friends!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Monday, November 23, 2009
One Small Step
DH and I have been discussing when to TTC again, and honestly I've been waffling about it. Well, more than waffling - I've been having panic attacks over it and in the heat of an attack I think that I never want to have more children. Never in a million years did I expect that thought to pop into my head. We decided over the weekend to do one more cycle on birth control and then give it a go after the holidays (that cycle would start Dec 27th-ish). I felt that was a fair compromise between DH's wanting to try as soon as we were allowed to after having the twins and my "not yet, ok, let's talk about it *panic* ok, maybe never" stance.
The past two nights have been bad. I completely freaked out on DH, as well as any friend that would listen, or rather read. I prayed. I cried. I hyperventilated. And then this morning at work, without prompting from my conscious self, my hand reached for the phone and I made a call. It was a call to the RE's office. I have my consult set up for next Monday. When I hung up, an amazing thing happened - I didn't panic. In fact, I smiled and called DH to let him know.
Things are still a little up in the air regarding disability insurance and financing the treatments and my probable bed rest, but we're moving forward and it feels good. Maybe I just to take these little steps to get through the rest of my grief and my fear and ultimately bring home a baby of my own. I guess it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "baby steps."
The past two nights have been bad. I completely freaked out on DH, as well as any friend that would listen, or rather read. I prayed. I cried. I hyperventilated. And then this morning at work, without prompting from my conscious self, my hand reached for the phone and I made a call. It was a call to the RE's office. I have my consult set up for next Monday. When I hung up, an amazing thing happened - I didn't panic. In fact, I smiled and called DH to let him know.
Things are still a little up in the air regarding disability insurance and financing the treatments and my probable bed rest, but we're moving forward and it feels good. Maybe I just to take these little steps to get through the rest of my grief and my fear and ultimately bring home a baby of my own. I guess it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "baby steps."
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A Month of Thanks, Part III
November 13th: I'm thankful to those who allow me to express my childishness.
November 14th: I'm thankful for Lyscol wipes.
November 15th: I'm thankful for cool towels and bottled water upon arrival.
November 16th: I'm thankful for cabana boys bringing me drinks on the beach.
November 17th: I'm thankful for toilets that are not just a hole in the ground and water that is clean and drinkable.
November 18th: I'm thankful that 37 years ago, my husband was born.
November 19th: I'm thankful for pilots that can touch down without a jolt in dense fog.
November 20th: I'm thankful for three and a half years of a fabulous marriage. It's been rocky at times with infertility and losing the twins, but I couldn't have gotten through it with anyone else. I love you, sweetie!
I'm back from vacation! It was much needed and I'm so happy I let DH talk me into it. We stayed at the Secrets Resort between Cancun and Playa del Carmen, Mexico. It was gorgeous! The majority of three full days spent on a beach under a coconut tree and tiki umbrella while cabana boys brought us drinks and whatever food we wanted...well, there's just nothing quite like it. I wish I was still laying on that beach, but I will say I'm happy to be in my own comfy bed. The bed there was fine - king size, four poster, canopy, comfortable enough - but I LOVE my memory foam mattress! I will post some pics soon. Until then, just look at the website - it's beautiful!!!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A Month of Thanks, Part II, and Volunteering for RESOLVE
First, I will continue my Month of Thanks. I've had good feedback from this little project, and I am considering doing something similar in December. That is still in the works and may or may not come to fruition, though if it does, you will be the first to read it!
November 6: I'm thankful for take out restaurant computers that pull up your address when you give your phone number, saving me at least 2 minutes of spelling and respelling my street name.
November 7: I'm thankful for craft store t-shirts.
November 8: I'm thankful for best friends and baby boys that love me.
November 9: I'm thankful for the stomach bug that has kept me home from work today, allowing me the time to support a great friend going through a rough patch.
November 10: I'm thankful that people who understand health care and the insurance industry are making their voices heard and working directly with a local senator to try to fix the plethora of problems in the House bill that was passed on Saturday.
November 11: I'm thankful for all who gave their time, energy, expertise and life so that I may enjoy freedom. I'm also thankful that I am not an idiot. These two things are totally unrelated.
November 12: I'm thankful for temperatures staying well above freezing, thus preventing the current Nor'easter from snowing me in and cancelling my vacation.
And now, on to volunteering for RESOLVE
Many of you have probably heard of RESOLVE, but for those who haven't, it is the National Infertility Association. Having been through infertility and looking for positive projects in my life, I decided to volunteer for RESOLVE.
What I really wanted to do was be a Peer Group Leader; however, I can't commit to a year long leadership role when I could very possibly be on bedrest and giving birth within a year's time. Instead, I'm currently a helpline volunteer and also on the list to contact for ad hoc work. So far, I have had no ad hoc work requests and only two messages in four weeks (five days of work) on the helpline to return. I try very hard to be a kind and giving person, but sometimes that all falls by the wayside and my Inner Bitch comes out.
On my first night as a helpline volunteer, I picked up two messages from the same woman left within minutes of each other. In the first message, she paused for about 30 seconds so I was totally unsure if she hung up or was just momentarily struck dumb. Turns out it was the latter. I picked up the second message and she basically repeated the exact same message she had just left minutes before, but without the confusing pause. I listened to what information she was looking for, went to the RESOLVE website to be prepared for her question and called her back.
Why, oh why, on my first night of volunteering, which by the way happens to be my first time volunteering for anything, did I have to deal with someone who was so utterly maddening? She printed out a list of Peer Groups from the website in her area, but didn't know when they met. That didn't bother me, as the site is confusing on this matter. What did bother me was when I directed her to the online calendar and she told me she had been there, but didn't understand it. It's a calendar. It has links. Find the group on the calendar, click the link and voila! instant information! She then continued to ask me to find the groups on her list and tell her the contact info and when and where they meet. Annoyed, but trying to be a good volunteer, I looked up the information and gave it to her. -- At this point, I began to grow restless. --
She was also wondering about mental health professionals and if RESOLVE endorses anyone. No, they don't endorse anyone, but doctors and therapists can choose to have their contact information listed on the site. I directed her to this information. She was once again confused and asked if I could print it out and send it in the mail to her. Really? I offered to email her the link so she could get the information she was looking for immediately. No dice. Fine. -- Restlessness turned into repressed annoyance. --
She then moved on to fertility clinic listings. Again, I tried to direct her to the page where she could input her zip code and a radius to search in. "Can you send that to me in the mail as well?" *sigh* At this point I decided that resistance was futile and printed the facility name/address listing of fertility clinics in a 50 mile radius of her home. -- Now, I'm pissed. --
We hung up. I was thoroughly annoyed while printing all of the information and expressed this annoyance to DH in not-so-pleasant terms. He reminded me to think of how I felt when we were first diagnosed as infertile - how upset I was, how confused I was by all of the information, how vulnerable I felt. See? Inner Bitch strikes again.
To counteract the negative karma, I looked up all of the phone numbers to the clinics and wrote them in for her.
November 6: I'm thankful for take out restaurant computers that pull up your address when you give your phone number, saving me at least 2 minutes of spelling and respelling my street name.
November 7: I'm thankful for craft store t-shirts.
November 8: I'm thankful for best friends and baby boys that love me.
November 9: I'm thankful for the stomach bug that has kept me home from work today, allowing me the time to support a great friend going through a rough patch.
November 10: I'm thankful that people who understand health care and the insurance industry are making their voices heard and working directly with a local senator to try to fix the plethora of problems in the House bill that was passed on Saturday.
November 11: I'm thankful for all who gave their time, energy, expertise and life so that I may enjoy freedom. I'm also thankful that I am not an idiot. These two things are totally unrelated.
November 12: I'm thankful for temperatures staying well above freezing, thus preventing the current Nor'easter from snowing me in and cancelling my vacation.
And now, on to volunteering for RESOLVE
Many of you have probably heard of RESOLVE, but for those who haven't, it is the National Infertility Association. Having been through infertility and looking for positive projects in my life, I decided to volunteer for RESOLVE.
What I really wanted to do was be a Peer Group Leader; however, I can't commit to a year long leadership role when I could very possibly be on bedrest and giving birth within a year's time. Instead, I'm currently a helpline volunteer and also on the list to contact for ad hoc work. So far, I have had no ad hoc work requests and only two messages in four weeks (five days of work) on the helpline to return. I try very hard to be a kind and giving person, but sometimes that all falls by the wayside and my Inner Bitch comes out.
On my first night as a helpline volunteer, I picked up two messages from the same woman left within minutes of each other. In the first message, she paused for about 30 seconds so I was totally unsure if she hung up or was just momentarily struck dumb. Turns out it was the latter. I picked up the second message and she basically repeated the exact same message she had just left minutes before, but without the confusing pause. I listened to what information she was looking for, went to the RESOLVE website to be prepared for her question and called her back.
Why, oh why, on my first night of volunteering, which by the way happens to be my first time volunteering for anything, did I have to deal with someone who was so utterly maddening? She printed out a list of Peer Groups from the website in her area, but didn't know when they met. That didn't bother me, as the site is confusing on this matter. What did bother me was when I directed her to the online calendar and she told me she had been there, but didn't understand it. It's a calendar. It has links. Find the group on the calendar, click the link and voila! instant information! She then continued to ask me to find the groups on her list and tell her the contact info and when and where they meet. Annoyed, but trying to be a good volunteer, I looked up the information and gave it to her. -- At this point, I began to grow restless. --
She was also wondering about mental health professionals and if RESOLVE endorses anyone. No, they don't endorse anyone, but doctors and therapists can choose to have their contact information listed on the site. I directed her to this information. She was once again confused and asked if I could print it out and send it in the mail to her. Really? I offered to email her the link so she could get the information she was looking for immediately. No dice. Fine. -- Restlessness turned into repressed annoyance. --
She then moved on to fertility clinic listings. Again, I tried to direct her to the page where she could input her zip code and a radius to search in. "Can you send that to me in the mail as well?" *sigh* At this point I decided that resistance was futile and printed the facility name/address listing of fertility clinics in a 50 mile radius of her home. -- Now, I'm pissed. --
We hung up. I was thoroughly annoyed while printing all of the information and expressed this annoyance to DH in not-so-pleasant terms. He reminded me to think of how I felt when we were first diagnosed as infertile - how upset I was, how confused I was by all of the information, how vulnerable I felt. See? Inner Bitch strikes again.
To counteract the negative karma, I looked up all of the phone numbers to the clinics and wrote them in for her.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A Month of Thanks
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I've decided to be thankful for one thing each day this month. Of course, I'm always thankful for a number of things, but never write them down. I'm not going for the obvious "thankfuls." I'm trying to verbalize the little things that I too often take for granted. I'll try to update this every week or so - and I promise if anything new comes up on the TTC front, I'll post that as well! And now...
A Month of Thanks, Part I
November 1: I'm thankful for the 10 years I got to spend with my grandfather. He died 20 years ago today.
November 2: I'm thankful for the newly learned ability to not get involved in work related arguments and try to make peace between two men who have been fighting almost as long as I've been alive.
November 3: I'm thankful for hunting trips and days off of school, which will soon allow me to see a friend that I haven't seen in much too long.
November 4: I'm thankful for the snugly nature of my husband on chilly nights.
November 5: I'm thankful for political activism, which lets me be alone in the office all day.
Have a wonderful Month of Thanks, and feel free to join me in my little quest of thanksgiving!
November 1: I'm thankful for the 10 years I got to spend with my grandfather. He died 20 years ago today.
November 2: I'm thankful for the newly learned ability to not get involved in work related arguments and try to make peace between two men who have been fighting almost as long as I've been alive.
November 3: I'm thankful for hunting trips and days off of school, which will soon allow me to see a friend that I haven't seen in much too long.
November 4: I'm thankful for the snugly nature of my husband on chilly nights.
November 5: I'm thankful for political activism, which lets me be alone in the office all day.
Have a wonderful Month of Thanks, and feel free to join me in my little quest of thanksgiving!
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