I'm such a slacker

I know, I know. I haven't been writing like I should, but really it's been a tough month.

Things were on the up and up. I had finished my pity party, as you can read below. Christmas was coming, which even though it meant lots of driving on our part, it also meant a 4 and a half day weekend. And then, as I sat eating my lunch on the 16th, I got the call - my friend/coworker had committed suicide.

It was a very difficult week. Horrible, really. All the brightness and fun he brought to this office was suddenly gone. Why? Well, as I found out later his depression medications were somehow getting screwed up. I knew he had been hospitalized twice in the past year for issues with cutting himself, but I didn't know the extent that his meds screwed him up. Apparently a few days before he died, his father went to his apartment and found him just kind of staring. He didn't even know who he was, and then just as suddenly the next day, he was himself again. That explains the odd message I had from him on my computer when I got to work that fateful Tuesday - "do you know me".

The funeral was the hardest one I've ever been to. He was only 25 years old after all, and all of his family and friends (it was packed!) shouldn't have been gathering to say goodbye. Alas, we did. It was a lovely service and beforehand was filled with a mix of his favorite music, which was somewhat odd to hear at a funeral home, but it fit him so well! I also found out at the funeral the gruesome details - until then, I could only guess why he died, albeit somewhat correctly. I think knowing what happened and knowing that he wasn't "in his right mind" at the time, was somewhat comforting.



I'll miss him alot, but now all of the problems that plagued him are gone and he can rest and be happy.

And now for something happier...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. As I mentioned before, we did alot of driving - 4 Christmases in 24 hours tends to warrant that. It was such a whirlwind of hugs, presents and food that when I've been asked "What did you get for Christmas?" I can honestly think of less than a third of the things I got. I know I loved everything, though!

So far we have no plans for New Year's Eve. I'd be perfectly happy sitting home and chatting, but Bryan seems to want to get together with some friends. We'll see what happens. I'm not normally one to make New Year's resolutions, but I do have one for this year...

I WILL GET PREGNANT IN 2009.

I'm waiting on good ol' AF. Today is day 6 of provera. If things go about the same as they did last cycle on provera, I'll get AF in 18 days. Yes, I know you are supposed to take provera for 10 days and then AF will magically appear within 10 more days of the last pill; however, my body being the stubborn ass that it is waited 2 weeks after my last pill. It's ok though, because as much as I want to get going on my injectibles, I'm still waiting for approval and delivery of my Gonal-F.

So here's to 2009 - it can't be worse than 2008, right?

Well I'm back from my pity party. Sorry it's been so long! I was very down after my follie scan showed nothing, and it just got worse from there. There is a silver lining here though - I learned a few things. Some new things, some old things I had forgotten. Let me share them with you....

1 - Three drinks and Prozac don't mix. This is probably why I was so terribly down. The 2 mimosas and wine I had on Thanksgiving left me feeling a little down over the long weekend, and then the follie scan sent me further.

2 - Jimmy Buffett cures any bad mood. Just one drive home from work with Buffett playing, me singing along and laughing, and I was a hundred times happier.

3 - It is crucial that websites, copiers and fax machines work properly - without "quirks" - when running a business.



4 - Songs really say things better than I ever could. I used to write really bad poetry (ahhh, teenage angst...) and classical music, but certain songs just say exactly what I think/feel at times. It continually amazes me how other people can say things that have so much meaning to me.

And last, but not least...

5 - Men are wearing hats more. Not baseball caps - actual hats. The funny thing is, they either look like a gentleman transplanted from 1956, or the devil incarnate. Seriously, I saw both types within 24 hours. One was an older man in a trench coat and hat and carried briefcase. He looked kind, like he was on his way to work and then home to a loving family to put his feet up, have a drink and listen to the kids watching Howdy Doody. The other man I saw wore a black wool coat, black hat, had black eyes and scowled at everyone in the grocery store while pushing his cart in a stalking type manner. He looked completely evil, and for seeing him in every aisle of the store, he had surprisingly little in his cart.

So...I hope everyone is doing well and is ready for the holidays! I'm almost ready, but not quite. I keep forgetting to pick a few little things up. It will get done eventually. Or it won't. I'm not going to stress over it!

Welcome to Shit Tuesday.

Yep. You heard me. It was a Shit day. Notice that capital S...and the bold...and italic. That's how bad it was.

Apparently TTC has taken over every brain cell because I seem to keep screwing things up at work. It's driving me crazy because I'm so used to being organized and knowing what's going on at all times. Now I'm lucky if I can remember what someone said to me 10 minutes ago. Ugh.

I also found out today that a good friend of my is well on his way to kidney failure. I'm so sad about this. He's such a sweet person and doesn't deserve any of the crap that has happened to him over his lifetime.

And to top everything off - or well, to start it for the day - was my follie scan this morning. How many Bettys does Kate have? Zero. Absolutely none. Thanks ovaries, for proving once again you are utterly useless.

Christmas is Coming!

Ok, I know it's still a little "early" for Christmas - according to my hubby at least - but I always get ready for it the weekend after Thanksgiving. So my tree is up, some presents are wrapped, and almost all presents are bought though I need to pick a few little things up still and do one more amazon order. Yes, that's my tree to the right. It's a little thing with a big gaudy light-up star on top. Not attractive, but for some reason I love it.

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving. Ours was quiet, but nice. Just 5 of us at my little apartment's dining room table. Then yesterday we went to my mom's house to put up her tree and help her decorate - plus we got to play with Evan. Apparently I've gotten the "bonus" of playing with Evan...his cold. Oh well! He's worth it!

Merry Early Christmas to Me!

That's right girls - I got my new laptop today!!! Wooohooo!!! I was having a not-so-great day and almost had to work on Friday too, but I got out of that and came home to my new beloved computer. Here's a pic of me tired from work, but happy with my present. Yes this photo is taken with the new laptop!



So here I am....installing programs and waiting for game updates to download (so far it's been over 2 hours of updates for one game) and getting ready for Turkey Day! Unfortunately none of my TTC girlies are online to chat...and this is the first night in months and months that my mouse won't act up. Oh well!

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Here We Go Again!

So today is CD1. I start 150mg Clomid on Monday and have my first follie scan on Dec 2nd. Here's to a very Merry Christmas this year. I hope I get my little miracle.

Changes

You may have noticed that the name of this blog has changed. If you had stalked it closely in the past 24 hours, you'd also have noticed that it's changed twice! Bloggity Doo just wasn't doing it for me, and it was always more of a place marker until I decided on a better name, which I now have. "Steady as it comes" is a line in a song, and a line I say to myself everytime I'm having a shitty day. Since infertility is full of shitty days, it seemed to fit.

Anyway, an update on the ever lovely infertility...I'm still infertile. Lol. Today is 14 days post-provera with no AF, so I called the RE and went in for blood work. Not an hour later did the cramps and spotting start. Tonight or tomorrow will make CD1, but I am still supposed to go in at 7:45 tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and to figure out what was going on. I might not end up needing the ultrasound since AF finally came at the very last minute, but I will get my Rx for 150mg Clomid. At the moment it's only 5 days worth, but I'm going to ask her about the 10 day thing that she mentioned last time. I just want to give this the very best chance of working.

My friend had an idea for me today. She suggested having the doctor tell me I would never have kids because my body obviously refuses to do what it's told. Who knows? Might be worth a shot!

20 days later

Since it was determined that Betty wasn't going to grow any bigger than 13mm, and that I was not going to ovulate, it's been 20 days. I've taken my 10 days of Provera. I've waited my 10 days for AF. I've POAS and gotten a BFN.

My conclusion is this:



Yep. That's my body. Stubborn as a mule. I can't even force AF to come. Oh well.

I've been tagged...

...and thankfully not by that rancid smelling body spray!

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers:
1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Where is your significant other? computer
3. Your hair color? brownish
4. Your mother? loving
5. Your father? funny
6. Your favorite thing? HoundDog
7. Your dream last night? college
8. Your dream/goal? babies!
9. The room you’re in? living
10. Your hobby? musicreadingsewing ;)
11. Your fear? barrenness
12. Where do you want to be in six years? home
13. Where were you last night? bed
14. What you’re not? petite
15. One of your wish list items? house
16. Where you grew up? maryland
17. The last thing you did? yoga
18. What are you wearing? clothing
19. Your T.V.? eh.
20. Your pet? bryan?
21. Your computer? dying
22. Your mood? hungry
23. Missing someone? always
24. Your car? civic
25. Something you’re not wearing? bra
26. Favorite store? target
27. Your Summer? meh.
28. Love someone? naturally
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? seven
31. Last time you cried? friday

Anyone not having done this yet - consider yourself tagged. And if you don't do it, I will come after you with the rancid smelling Tag!

Wow. Talk about roller coaster.

So in the almost 2 weeks since my last post, alot has happened - and not on the TTC front!

First, my aunt contracted Legionnaires disease while in Italy shortly before flying home. By the time she got home, she could barely walk and was extremely confused, so off to the ER she and my uncle went. A mixture of three antibiotics, two weeks in ICU on a ventilator and a whole lotta prayers later, she was moved to her own room and has kicked the infection. Now comes the long road to recovery. She can barely get out of bed without huffing and puffing, and needs physical therapy to get her moving again, but she'll make a full recovery. Thank you to all of my friends who prayed for her. I can't even begin to tell you what that means to me.

Second, at work we had a compliance audit which stressed me out for months prior. It turned out fine. I didn't realize until the day before the audit just how stressed out I was. DH asked me to grab his cell phone for him and I blew up and yelled for everything under the sun. Then I sobbed. He just sat there looking at me like 'wtf is going on here?' Poor guy. At least he's quick to understand! As soon as the sobbing stopped, things were fine and dandy again and we watched the Ravens win! Woohoo!



And last, but definitely not least, we were supposed to be in Arkansas this weekend for DH's grandmother's 80th birthday, which is tomorrow. We were all set to take off this morning at 7:30. Around 8:30 last night, we get a call from DH's mother that Grandma had fallen and they were on their way to the hospital since she probably broke her hip. "Don't come" is what his mother said to him. We discussed it and waited for more news on how Grandma was doing and what the damage actually was. She did in fact break her hip and as I'm typing this, she is in surgery having a total hip replacement. We decided to postpone our trip until she either needed some help around the house or when she was feeling better and up to visitors. We didn't want to be in the way. A few prayers for her would be very much appreciated that she makes a speedy recovery. She was a very active woman and walked a mile or more on her treadmill every morning. I'd love for her to get back to that.

On the TTC front, I have finished my Provera and am waiting for AF to arrive. She's taking her sweet time. I have absolutely no signs of her arrival at the moment. I'm sure she'll wait until the last possible minute to show up and make me think I might have a chance to be pregnant!

Poor little Betty

I went to my first follie scan last Tuesday. I had one follie. I named her Betty, thinking if I showed her lots of love she'd want to become my baby. She was 13mm on Tuesday. Too small for my shot. On Friday she was 13mm. Monday she was still 13mm. She didn't grow any more. So I'm completely out for this cycle - never even had a chance to catch the eggie! Oh well. I'm on Provera now to get AF, and then 150mg of Clomid as a last ditch effort with it. If that doesn't work, on to injectibles.

Hope everyone else is having a better week than me!

Coming out/slight change of plans

Change of plans

I was originally going to post this on myspace; however, I have not yet "come out" to my mom, so I am going to hold it aside until I do.

Coming Out

October 19 – 25 is National Infertility Awareness Week. In honor of this week, and to increase awareness, I am “coming out of the infertility closet.” Yes. I’m infertile, but more about that later. In the interest of spreading awareness and understanding, I’d like to share a few things with you.

1 in every 6 couples experiences infertility. That means someone you know has already or probably will at some point in their life deal with infertility.
If someone shares their feelings with you, they are obviously looking for your support. Think you know how to support them? Think again. I know I didn’t. I said all the wrong things when a friend came to me. Please read about “infertility etiquette”. http://www.soulcysters.net/infertility-etiquette-vita-alligood-160049/ This article does a great job explaining what to say, and more importantly, what not to say.

If you choose not to read the article, that’s fine – just do me one favor. Never tell an infertile couple to relax. We infertiles didn’t start out high-strung. We thought we’d be pregnant in no time. We bought books about pregnancy. We searched online for nursery themes. We enjoyed trying. We were excited every month when we got to pee on sticks. Then infertility hit. Listen, we’ve done the relaxing thing - it didn’t work. Let us be micromanagers of our bodies now. Don’t worry if you’ve told me to “relax and it will happen,” or made any of the other comments listed in the article to me. I do my best to not take it personally, even if it does hurt at times. I know you mean well and are doing what you can to support me. Even if I don’t say it to your face, please know that I appreciate that you do what you can for me.

It’s not always easy to talk about infertility. Some people are embarrassed. Some, like me, just want to maintain some portion of their life that doesn’t revolve around baby-making. Some feel that this is a private journey to only be shared with their partner and don’t want pity from others. If someone opens up to you about infertility, just listen, hold their hand, let them cry, and most of all let them know that you are there for them in whatever capacity they are comfortable with – whether it be a pick-me-up call now and then, or a shoulder to cry on when that elusive 2nd line once again refuses to show up on the pregnancy test.

This is a very tough road to travel. If you know anyone who is struggling, send them to www.resolve.org, which is a wonderful resource for coping. There are many other resources I can recommend. Feel free to get in touch with me if you or someone you know needs information, a shoulder to cry on, a doctor or facility recommendation in the area or just wants to know what these other resources are. I’m here for anyone who needs me.

And now, since I said I was coming out of the infertility closet today, it’s time for my story.

18 months ago, Bryan and I decided it was time. We were about to celebrate our 1st anniversary; we were comfortable in our careers; we were saving for a house. The first 4 months, nothing happened. I mean nothing. I had just gone off birth control and wasn’t “regular” yet. In fact, I wasn’t anything yet. Nothing was happening. Finally, that good old visitor I have come to despise showed up and I decided to look into charting basal body temperature to see what was going on. I had 4 more months until my annual exam and thanks to insurance rules I couldn’t get in any earlier. So I charted. I took the 3 week online course on charting so I could interpret what I was doing. And there it was again….nothing.

What did that mean? Turns out it meant I wasn’t ovulating. My temperatures were erratic, my cycles lasted anywhere from 38 - 57 days, and I was rapidly gaining weight despite my best efforts. I continued charting and researched what could make me not ovulate. There was really only one answer – and I fit almost every single characteristic. I went to my annual exam armed with my charts. I showed my doctor. She ordered blood tests. The results came back. She ordered more blood tests and an ultrasound. Then she told me what I had already figured out thanks to the wonders of the internet. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS, is a misnomer. It effects more than ovaries and fertility. It’s an endocrine system disorder. Not only does it put be at a greater risk for miscarriage, but it also puts me at a greater risk for diabetes and heart disease. I found out just this month, on my birthday no less, that I am officially pre-diabetic. PCOS isn’t the point of this though, so if you want to learn more about it, go here http://www.inciid.org/faq.php?cat=infertility101&id=2

So the diagnosis is PCOS - then what? Then, we went on to more testing, namely the HSG and the SA. The HSG is a procedure where dye is injected into your uterus and an X-ray video is taken to see if the dye spills out of the fallopian tubes. It is not comfortable, but I passed it with flying colors. Bryan passed his SA (the swimmers’ test) with flying, or more accurately swimming, colors as well. On to treatment!

Thus far, I’ve done 3 rounds of treatment – pills only. No luck. I’m in the middle of my 4th round of treatment now. This time, I get to add a one time shot and ultrasound monitoring. I don’t have much hope of it working, but that is a natural response to infertility – the loss of hope. It’s torture knowing that your body isn’t doing what it was built to do – what comes so easily, unexpectedly and at times unwanted to others.

Treatment is rough. Remembering all of those pills and the timing of taking them, the hot flashes and night sweats (hey, at least I’m well versed for menopause), the letdown of one more month gone with nothing to show for it but a dent in the old wallet.

Trying is no longer fun. It’s “sex with a purpose.” It’s worrying if you are in the optimal position to get pregnant. It’s a total disconnect between partners at times. It’s strictly a medical procedure at times. It’s emotionally draining. It’s “let’s get this over with so I can elevate my hips uncomfortably for the next 20-30 minutes and then go to sleep.” Sex is not sex when you are infertile. It’s a means to an end.

Infertility has been known to break up even the strongest of marriages. Thankfully, I have the most wonderful and understanding husband in the world. I could never have gotten this far in the journey with the few shreds of sanity I have left – not that I had many to begin with – without him.

This is my story so far. I don’t know where our journey will take us next – a precious baby of our own, adoption or child-free living. Maybe we’ll take an extended break and buy a house instead of pumping all of our cash into treatments.

Infertility is a roller coaster. You may laugh, you may throw up, but you've got to admit - it’s one hell of a ride.

Coming soon...

...my TTC journey in full. In honor of NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), which is October 19 - 25 I will be posting a long blog on MySpace officially "coming out of the infertility closet." I will also post it here



Stay tuned...

Happy Birthday to Me

Ok, so it's not THE best "birfday" ever, but whatever. It's still my birthday!! Yippee!!!!

First thing this morning: Blood draw. Find out I'm pre-diabetic. Told to call between 1 and 2 for pregnancy test results so that I can then get Provera. What a great way to start out a birthday - You have pre-diabetes and you are not pregnant! Enjoy your day! ugh.

Random Things

Sometimes I have a number of things to talk about, but there's no real coherent way to present it in prose, so here are some random things that I'd like to share, in chronological order simply because I can't find any segway from one to another.

Monday, October 6th, 4:05pm.
My boss has just left the office for the day. 10 minutes later he calls.

FRED:"Kate? It's Fred. I lost one of my caps and put it on my shelf. I don't want the cleaning people to throw it out. Can you put it in my drawer?

ME:Your what?

FRED:One of the caps from my teeth. Can you put it in the drawer so the cleaning people don't throw it out?



Ew ew ew ew EW. I couldn't wash my hands enough after that. I think I need a chemical peel to rid myself of that grossness.


Tuesday, October 7th, 10:30am.
Received a call from Fran at the Fertility Center of Maryland. My insurance approved me for 3 IUI cycles, but they haven't received my deposit yet. That's because I'm not doing IUI this cycle. Found out that by doing the insemination part as "homework," my deposit is $100.00 cheaper. Woohoo! Then I talked to Nurse Mercy about Provera since I'm on day 5 million of this cycle (ok, it just seems that long, it's really closer to day 40).

MERCY:Provera? That's fine. We'll need you to come in for some bloodwork first. Can you come tomorrow between 7 and 9am?

MY THOUGHTS: What a way to start a birthday! More blood draws after my horrific 4 sticks on Saturday! Woohoo! Good times. ugh. Wait a minute, didn't they JUST take 7 vials a week and a half ago and test for pregnancy there? Whatever. Let's just get going on all of this.



ME: That's fine. I'll be in probably before 8. I have a couple questions for Dr. Smith, will she be in tomorrow?

MERCY: She won't be in until 9.

MY THOUGHTS: F'ing great. I'm trying to figure out if we can even go ahead with things this cycle because of the timing of DH's grandmother's 80th birthday and subsequent party in Arkansas that we are attending. Whatever. One day won't kill me to wait to talk to the doctor I guess. Crap. If I do the bloodwork and get the Rx for Provera tomorrow, I also have to pay the deposit. I was hoping not to charge it, but I guess that's how things are gonna go. Please God, let me get pregnant this time! Just dealing with starting a cycle is a pain in the ass. Don't make me go through it again!



ME: Fine. I'll call her tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 7th 9:15pm.
We've just finished my MIL's birthday celebration - a crabfeast in Essex, a town I am unfamiliar with. It's dark. I'm trying to turn left onto the highway to go home. I turn left. OH F*$K! There's a median there. I've turned too far to go the other way, guess it's driving into oncoming traffic for a hundred feet before getting to a break in the median where I can get onto the correct side of the road! Crap. Well, thank God that oncoming traffic was far enough away!

First off today, congratulations to my bestest of buds Julie...



I can't wait to meet Betty...er...Pony...er...he-who-has-yet-to-be-named :) I'll talk to him about getting his head off your bladder as well.

Second, if I wasn't already in a crummy mood today, an ex of mine (yes we're still sort of friends....sort of) had to be annoying regarding infertility. When we discussed that luckily I haven't gotten to "non-sex" treatments, but that I didn't care how we become parents as long as we do, he told me it was a very "girl" thing to say and that a man would never want to become a parent without doing it by having sex.

And finally, so far today at least, I found out another friend is pregnant. I'm very happy for her, as she and her DH were trying for a year, but I'm a little sad for me again. Plus she hasn't actually told me. We were talking about infertility and she was asking me all of the things that she would have to go through testing wise. Now, I'm very glad that she didn't have to do that, but she's been "promising" me an "update" soon. I'd rather have heard it from her than through the grapevine, but whatever. It's nice that she was considering my feelings I guess.

My birthday is coming up. The "big 2-9" lol. I better have a baby at very least on the way before I hit 30!

I've been a slacker

And I'm sorry!!! There just really hasn't been a whole lot going on. I did have that stupid 2 hour glucose tolerance test yesterday though. Man did that suck.

First off was the fasting blood draw. The phlebotomist was crap. She was "training," so she sucked. I have never had a draw hurt so badly.



Next up was the sugary drink. It was fruit punch. I HATE fruit punch. Just the smell of it makes me nauseous, but then I had to also chug it down in under 5 minutes. Ugh. I kept it down though.

Then comes blood draw #2. Now, I have the vasovagal reaction to blood draws, which means my blood pressure plummets and I pass out. If I lay down, I'm fine. Well for this second draw there was already someone in the one room with the bed and since it was a timed test, the draw had to be done. So in the interest of never having to do this crap again, I chanced it. The needle went in...I was fine, but the "good vein" the girl had, collapsed. So she said she'd try the other arm. Then I just about passed out. Luckily, the other person in the room with the bed was done, so they put me over there, but they wouldn't take my blood for a few more minutes to let me recover. All in all, that draw was 15 minutes late.

I wait another hour and go back for my 3rd and final draw. At this point, the bruise is already starting on my left arm from the 2 sticks - one right next to the other, and my right arm has a bruise from the collapsed vein. I lay down...she sticks me again, and oh crap! an already bruised vein being punctured for the third time in 2 hours right next to the other two sticks sure hurts like hell!

Honestly, I've never had a blood draw hurt as bad as all of these did. Even the first one hurt like a mofo going in, while it was in and for about 10 minutes afterwards. I bled like a son of a bitch too.

I wish anyone doing this test the best of luck. If it weren't for the good of a baby, I would refuse ever doing it again.

Have a good week everyone! Hopefully I'll have something fun to post soon!

RE Consult =o)

So girls, I'm back! Bryan made jokes throughout the entire thing so I'm sure I forgot to ask some stuff, but whatever. Anyway, here's how it went...

First, we sit down in Dr. Smith's office and go through medical history and what we've tried so far. She asks if I've done OPKs and I tell her oh yeah I've done that and charting.

Then I go for the pelvic exam and STD testing. This was Bryan's first time seeing what happens at a gynecological exam. He walked into the room and said "This is freakin' Frankenstien's office!" because of all the equipment. At least he had the nurses rolling! So all that is done, and then I go for the blood work....

SEVEN vials of blood later, and since I laid down I didn't pass out, we get up to go. But then I think...uhhh...what now? Do we leave? What do we do? So I ask and we have to sit down with the billing department to go over our confirmation of benefits. I'm covered 50% for everything up to IVF (as far as they can tell) with a $3,300 out of pocket max per plan year.

Then I get my slip for the rest of the tests they want to do - a repeat lipids test to check my cholesterol again, and a 2 hour glucose tolerance test. Fun fun.

And now, without further ado.....

The Big Plan

We will be doing a "natural" cycle - meaning good old fashioned sex - with 100mg Clomid again. They will monitor with ultrasound and I will then do the HCG trigger shot, a post-coital exam and a progesterone test to check and make sure I did indeed ovulate and that I'm making enough progesterone.

So there you have it folks....a plan! At least for this first round. Now I just have to go drink a ton of sugary crap on an empty stomach and pray I don't puke it up!

Have a great Sunday!

Blah-de-blah-blah

That's who I feel like today. My darling little 'I'm so down' Eeyore.

T minus 2 days until the RE and I'm feeling alot more sad than I have in weeks. I have no clear reason for it, but I guess being infertile, I don't need any other reason.

I'm hoping that by noon on Sunday we'll have a plan. It could be more clomid and "natural" cycles, clomid with IUI, injectibles with "natural", injectibles with IUI...IVF...who knows??? Maybe I'm just nervous...or excited...or just so damn drained the only emotion I can muster is sadness. Ah well.

Have a lovely weekend ladies. I'll be sure to update you at least on Sunday!

Tired of Bad News!

I hope it's not an omen for my upcoming appointment! In the last week, I found out 2 friends are separating from their husbands, and 2 TTC girls are having some very bad luck!

So here's some good luck for all of us. Hope it's enough!

"Infertility Etiquette"

My good friend, Maggy, shared a great article with me last night and I wanted to share it with you all. It is appropriately called Infertility Etiquette (ooo look! I linked it!)

It's been quite a week - the crazy market has made work insane and we're getting ready to cut part of the office off, so in addition to frantic calls from clients I'm also packing things up, throwing things out, moving things around. Oh, and I only have a week left to finish. Fun!

If that isn't tiring enough, I'm going sailing with the in-laws tomorrow, girl's night tomorrow night and a wine festival Sunday. So yeah - no rest for the weary. I may be MIA for the next week or so - I definitely won't be around as much - but I will try to check in with everyone.

Have a great weekend!

My New Love

I wanted to share with you my new love.



They are the yummiest, fudgiest, fat free creation ever to makes it's way into my mouth. I give you...No Pudge Brownies!




That is all.

Medical Records - FINALLY!

First off, I'm so glad that after two and a half weeks and three phone calls, I finally got my records from my OB/GYN's office. That being said, there are a couple interesting things to report about them.

My progesterone level Clomid Round One: 57.7

Let me share with you the normal ranges listed.

Follicular 0.2 - 1.4
Luteal 3.3 - 25.6
Mid-luteal 4.4 - 28.0

Where the hell is 57.7 on that??

Well, I look down a little farther and what do I see? The ranges for pregnancy. And what is the range for the first trimester you might ask? 11.2 - 90.0. Oh look where my level fell! Could this be a fluke, or could I have been pregnant and had a very very very early miscarriage? Miscarriage is possible. It would explain the very heavy and extremely painful AF after that cycle. (Update: Apparently this can happen without pregnancy. My BFF looked it up in her medical texts. On Clomid progesterone has been seen as high as 1706!) Anyway...moving on....

The Swimmer's Report

Volume: 3.1 (normal is 2 or more) - good good....

Concentration: 118 (20 or more) - Hot damn!

Total Motile Sperm: 187 (8 or more) - Double hot damn! Or, if you're doing the math, 23.375 hot damn.

Motility: 51 (50 or more) - Eh. Better than under. I'll take it.

Morphology: 31 (14 or more) - Really? 14 or more? I thought it was 30 or more. Still, I'll take it.

Progression: 2 - 3+ (2+ - 4) - Sounds good to me. At least his swimmers don't seem to have ADD as well. At least they know where to go.

pH: 8.2 (7.2 or more) - Ok, but I've also seen the range listed as 7.2 - 7.8. This seems a bit alkaline to me, but I'm no doctor. Whatever.

Viscosity: Severe ("normal" is normal) - WHAT??? After a minor cardiac event, I looked up viscosity, sure we were doomed thanks to semen as thick as iron, I find that it's ok. If it's too thick, IUI will take care of it.

Everything else is normal. I definitely have PCOS. I definitely did not ovulate with the second round of Clomid (progesterone level was 0.9 - a bit far from the 8 my doctor was looking for). I definitely did ovulate on Round Three. I'm definitely not pregnant. I'm more than definitely ready for the RE appointment. I want to know what all of this will mean for us. I want to know that my doctor's report of the semen analysis being "normal," is truly in fact normal and that these little "eh, that's not a wonderful number" things aren't adding up to disaster for us (I'm sure it's not - I just need to hear it from the RE).

There's more to say today...some stupid comments that have been made to me, but that will have to wait at least until after dinner!

Welcome Friends / Update

I just got my first follower! yay! Thanks for taking an interest in my ramblings Courtney!

So we went to our fertility education seminar last night. It was a ton of information I already knew, but DH didn't know some of the more technical stuff, so he enjoyed it. Well, enjoyed it as much as he could seeing as how we are infertile. Afterwards we got to set up our appointment. September 28th. It's a Sunday. How cool is it that they do consults on the weekends? I'm very pleased that they got me in so quickly and on a weekend to boot!

So, we will be seeing Dr. Smith who treated my stepmother 17 & 15 years ago. I have a beautiful 15 year old sister and a little brother who I firmly believe is my sister's guardian angel. Why else would he have been taken from us 2 weeks before his due date, right? My sister was supposed to be on this earth and she needed a special guardian in Heaven. But I digress....

Anyway, I'm excited and nervous at the same time for our appointment. I've been trying to explain it to friends all day long, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I have a few ideas of why I'm so nervous. Mainly, this is our last stop on the road to having our own biological child. Even though there are many different treatments we may be able to try, this is THE place. Either I'll walk out of there a mother, or I'll walk out broke and with adoption brochures. It's just scary to me that this in a way is the "end of the road." It's a very long end, but it's the end. These doctors and embryologists have my most important (and longest wanted) dream in their hands.

That being said, I'm also extremely happy that we are taking this next step. I mean, it would be better had we been able to get pregnant on our own, but hey - I'll take what I can get!

Random thoughts time!!

I'm giddy. I'm happy. I'm crying one minute, laughing the next. I go back and forth on whether I should tell my mother we're trying or just keep her blissfully ignorant. I love my family, but I hate that my cousin and my brother both got their kids on the first try. I see a pregnant woman, and what do I automatically think? "B!tch" *sigh*

Oh, don't you love infertility?

For All Those Who Are Struggling...and One In Particular

I wish there was something I could say - something I could do - to make everything better for you. I've never had to fight so hard for anything in my life, like I have for becoming a mother. Now that I'm fighting for myself, I want to fight for everyone else struggling. I want to discover something that will make this easy. I want to find something to say that will take all of the pain away.

I've been reading a friend's blog who recently got some bad news on the TTC front. I can't even begin to say how awful I feel that this is happening to her. I really don't even know her that well, but she's always been so helpful and friendly to me and to everyone else. She's an absolute riot and always puts a smile on my face even when I'm so far past sad.

Cindy, I wish you all the luck in the world on this journey you and your husband are starting. I keep searching online for a magical remedy - something....anything that will help you out in this. Alas, the only thing I can offer you is my shoulder and lots of prayers. I can only hope that in some small way it will help.

That Stupid Question

In the span of two days I was asked by three different people if I had kids yet. Two of these three people were complete strangers. Well, I guess not complete since one was cutting my hair at Haircuttery, but before I walked in there she didn't know me from a hole in the ground. She was the first to ask. I thought 'Oh, this is ok. She doesn't know and I did just say something about my husband, so she is just assuming that since I'm married, we'll want kids.'

The second person was a random guy outside of Haircuttery trying to sell books and magazines to put himself through college "instead of selling drugs." He asked me if I had kids because he was hoping to sell me some kids books. Fine. I get it. It's a marketing technique. Whatever. Leave me alone. I just want to go home with my newly trimmed hair and eat dinner.

The third happened yesterday. This one was asked by a man I do business with and whom I see on a fairly regular basis (and have seen on a fairly regular basis for the past 4 years or so). He usually asks silly things each time I see him. Generally the same old

"Are you still married?"

"Yes."

"To the same guy?"

"Yes."

"And they said it wouldn't last..."

This time though, he omitted the "And they said it wouldn't last" part and instead said "Well that's wonderful. Are there any little Kate's running around now?" Are you kidding me???? You see me every couple months. Have you seen me pop out a kid????

Anyway, I digress. The point is, I got to thinking today....that question should be totally off limits. Similar to questions like

"Hello. Nice to meet you. How much do you weigh?"

or

"Is that a parrot in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"

Really people, if you absolutely must know whether I have kids or not and choose to ask me, when I say no, do NOT ask my why not, when or anything else. Take my 'No' as an end to that conversation, please.

By the way, I realize this would be more fun if I had cute pictures or used colors or something. I'm not that sophisticated....yet.

Intro

Well hello and welcome to my little spot!

This is my 2nd attempt at blogging. The first, on WTE was going well, until the site crapped out on me and I couldn't even log in. Things are fixed now, but it's still temperamental on my computer, so I'll try it out here.

To give you a little background, I'm 28 and my hubby and I have been trying to have a baby for a little over 16 months. I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), and I have done 3 cycles of treatments so far with no luck. Feel free to check out my blog at WTE, or just ask me more.

Since I'm a newbie at this blogging thing I can't guarantee this will go well, but I promise the following:

-I will spell check my posts.
-I will do my best to use proper grammar at all times. (I'm a teacher's daughter - I have to at least attempt this!)
-I will do my best to post things that are informative and/or entertaining. (So far, I think I'm failing at this.)
-I will update as often as I possibly can find anything to write about.

And now since I've stayed up way too late yet again, I am going to bed.

Side note: DQ's new sandwich looks like lunch meat stuck between two Eggo waffles - definitely not appetizing.