One Small Step

DH and I have been discussing when to TTC again, and honestly I've been waffling about it. Well, more than waffling - I've been having panic attacks over it and in the heat of an attack I think that I never want to have more children. Never in a million years did I expect that thought to pop into my head. We decided over the weekend to do one more cycle on birth control and then give it a go after the holidays (that cycle would start Dec 27th-ish). I felt that was a fair compromise between DH's wanting to try as soon as we were allowed to after having the twins and my "not yet, ok, let's talk about it *panic* ok, maybe never" stance.

The past two nights have been bad. I completely freaked out on DH, as well as any friend that would listen, or rather read. I prayed. I cried. I hyperventilated. And then this morning at work, without prompting from my conscious self, my hand reached for the phone and I made a call. It was a call to the RE's office. I have my consult set up for next Monday. When I hung up, an amazing thing happened - I didn't panic. In fact, I smiled and called DH to let him know.

Things are still a little up in the air regarding disability insurance and financing the treatments and my probable bed rest, but we're moving forward and it feels good. Maybe I just to take these little steps to get through the rest of my grief and my fear and ultimately bring home a baby of my own. I guess it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "baby steps."